What is Relational Therapy? Part 1

Ever wonder why you might have the same experience with people in your life again and again? Whether it’s with a boss, partner, friend or family member, you find you are in a familiar dynamic, feeling the same way over and over. Or perhaps you seem to attract a similar kind of person to date repeatedly. This happens when one way of relating to others is strong and others are underdeveloped.  The strong reaction or habit is often something we did to get through a traumatic or challenging experience. At the time, it helped . This is wonderful. The downside is that we will use the same way of relating to navigate all situations unconsciously. This is how we end up in with the repeated experiences named above. If the above sounds familiar, you might benefit from relational therapy.

Let’s check out an example with people pleasing. People pleasing is a common way to relate with others in relationships. Sometimes, it comes from traumatic experiences but here we will look at an example that is not traumatic. Maybe growing up, your sibling were wild and your care giver was often frustrated and angry. You saw this and didn’t want that negative attention. Unconsciously, somehow you figured out that you would get positive attention if you always said yes and were agreeable to your caregiver, even if it wasn’t what you wanted. You learned to push away what you wanted or needed to go along with another in exchange for positive attention. Fast forward to later in life, this has now become a habit and your default way to relate with others. There are many ways this can lead to anxiety, depression and become an imbalance. In this case, let’s say you have developed social anxiety, and insomnia because being with people is so unsettling. You are preoccupied with how others are perceiving you and if you are being liked or wanted all the time. Additionally, you are struggling with your own inner wants that could conflict with what others want from you. You never got to experience being received, liked and appreciated in your authenticity. You might not even have clarity on what your real needs, wants and desires are, from years of pushing them away for others’ approval.

Another example could be that when you were small, you learned to not rely on others for help or support. Maybe your parents were going through a rough patch and didn’t have the time or space to support you as a child. Or maybe they were great providers but didn’t learn to emotionally attune to children and missed out on your intangible social and emotional needs. As a result, you grew up to become a person who was very self reliant, uncomfortable asking for help or receiving support. Maybe you even desperately want support, but don’t know how to take it in or even recognize it when it is offered to you. You might even be fantastic at supporting others, (or be a helping professional), but the idea of asking for help feels impossible or unnecessary. Skipping ahead you could find that you attract high needs folks and are resentful because your needs are going unmet or unseen. This is another example of a relationship pattern.

These are a couple of patterns of relating to others and there are 1000’s. We will use various patterns in our lives in different kinds of relationship. Frequently, however, we have a couple we rely on in tense, stressful or unknown circumstances. These can limit our ability to connect with others and have nourishing, flexible and diverse relationships.

Let’s get to the part where we talk about how the therapy works when we are doing relational therapy. In couples counseling, the therapist is able to see a couple’s dynamic as they interact in the session. In the relational therapy, we use our relationship dynamic as an example of how you’re doing relationship outside the therapy room. Let’s return to the example above, say you are someone who has difficulty asking for help or receiving support. We might notice that in session, you are uncomfortable being the focus, so you talk fast, spend time telling that you already know what to do without leaving room for the me to respond, show care, reflect or interject. I may name something like, ”It’s hard be supported? or It’s hard to let me in, yes? or Can you feel my care for you right now as you are talking? (More on how we work with this in Part 2) Then the opportunity arises for you to name what’s true “Yes, I’m having a hard time or I want support but don’t know how to receive it” or something else. Then we get to move from the territory of content to the relational territory of how we are together in the session. Through this kind of approach we can strengthen your ability to receive support or other needs that were not met in your early life by experiencing it in the therapy session with me as the therapist.

Therapy is not just about what is happening in your head and you are not an island. Therapy is a relationship. We get to use the relationship as a conduit for your healing. In session, we move from the content of what is present for you to how you are relating to me the therapist with this content. Here we get to do the poignant work of supporting you to find a new way of relating through experiencing it with me in the moment in session. There will be more on how this looks and works in Part 2.