Mending After A Conflict: A Survival Guide for Relationships
Mending Relationships
While the holidays can be a time of connection, time with loved ones and celebration, it can also be stressful on relationships with our families, partners and friends. As therapist, we often see an influx of new clients in January after people have experienced conflicts in their relationships over the holidays, reminding them of old feelings from the past.
The ability to mend relationships or come back from a conflict is an important skill to cultivate in any kind of relationship. We all have missteps, whether we over react, blame another unjustly for our own insecurities or unintentionally upset another. The art of re-connecting after a rupture can support us to strengthen our relationships with those we love and who are important to us.
What’s Happening Inside You?
Awareness, Forgiveness and Compassion
Being able to notice what is going on inside of you is foundational to moving through conflicts with others. Noticing how upset you are at first and taking steps to decrease your level of emotional activation will be supportive to resolution. Ask yourself how upset you are on a scale of 1-10. You might go for a walk, breathe or take a break from interacting with the person you are upset with. Some research shows that even a 45 second pause when a couple is fighting will decrease indicators of stressors like heart rate and body temperature. Whatever gets you grounded and calmer will better facilitate the mending so do it.
In theories about trauma, there is a discussion about how when we are very upset (or in more accurate terms, our nervous systems are disregulated) we can’t engage productively with others because the social part of our brain that we connect with other from is offline. This applies to relationships. Getting ourselves grounded allows this part of us to come back online and engage with compassion, perspective and forgiveness. Mending a relationship with another can’t happen if we are still in a heighted, upset state.
Once regulated and calmer, reflection on how we contributed to the conflict can happen. It takes two to tango so what was your part in the difficult interaction? What got triggered in you? Once clear about what happened for you, find forgiveness and compassion for yourself. You are human, making human mistakes based on your past, present and fears about the future. How did the past make it’s way into the present conflict? Can you forgive yourself? Can you find compassion for your hurt?
Once you find this with yourself, see if you can forgive and find compassion for the other person. Be careful to notice if you still have anger, resentment and hurt in your reflection. If you are, go back to trying to find more balance in your emotional state. You might need more time for this to happen.
Moving closer
Accountability, Impact and Acknowledgement of Hurts
Once we can acknowledge that we hurt or impacted the other person with our behavior, connection can deepen. To re-connect, each person needs to take some responsibility for how they hurt the other.
Often when we are in a conflict with another, we have intolerable feelings that are both a combination of things we have felt in the past and a present moment trigger brought on by our partner, family member or friend. It can be hard to get beyond these intolerable feelings, however it is crucial to relationship repair. Spend some time putting yourself in the others’ shoes. Can you imagine how your behavior might have felt to them? If you don’t know, you can ask them.
Be prepared to acknowledge how you hurt them and take responsibility for your impact on them. This part can be very uncomfortable. We often want and need our partners and families to understand us. This part is about us showing the other person we want to understand them, first. This can soften the mood, making connection more possible. Somebody has to put down their sword for the battle to stop. In this phase of mending, we have to muster our courage to be the bigger person.
Last, offering a hug, reaching out to touch to other person or eye contact can support both parties to calm each other down. Even taking a deep breath, with a long exhale can do this. There is very cool science and physiology behind this (that I won’t go into now), but it basically tells our bodies that we are not under attack and the other person isn’t a threat to us. It tells the other person’s body the same thing.
Reaching Out to the Other
Saying I’m Sorry, Amends, Regret and Reflection
Once you acknowledge and understand the impact of your actions, returning to that place of compassion discussed above can be helpful. Can you feel compassion for the other? Can you relate them? Are there times in you life where others made you feel the ways they are telling you they feel now?
Saying you are sorry can let the other know you regret making them feel bad whether intended or not. It lets the other person know they matter to you, that you are with them and that you care about their experience. Sometimes we are not ready to apologize and this part (or any others in the process) should not be rushed. Sincerity is crucial. A rushed or half-hearted attempt to mend relationships won’t restore trust.
Offering to make things better or sharing an understanding of what you learned from the experience can further the mending process. It’s okay to ask the other if there IS anything that you can do (or try) to do to make things better. Exploring how you each got triggered and reacted can deepen intimacy and connection.
Touch & Physical Connection
Closing the process with a hug, holding hands, eye contact or even sitting close to one another lets the body re-integrate the connection and contradicts the story that this person is the enemy. Touch is one of the languages we speak as humans. In fact, it is the first language many of us learn. Integrating the physical into a relationship that has just been mended completes the process in a more holistic way. Once the body and brain know we are loved and accepted, we can move on.