It’s Not About Right or Wrong: Impact and Intent for Couples

“That’s not what I meant… I didn’t say that… How did you jump to that conclusion?”

How many times have you heard yourself saying something like this? Or heard your partner? Have you felt misunderstood or misinterpreted? Are there time when your partner took something you said to a place that made NO sense to you? Do you end up in arguments with your sweetie about what you said or didn’t say? What happened or didn’t happen?

One of the skills of relationships is about how to hold what you INTENDED or MEANT something versus how it was HEARD or INTERPRETED. We often get into confusing conflicts when what you intended was perceived by someone else in another way. This common type of miscommunication can escalate quickly leaving both parties angry, frustrated, upset, discouraged and disconnected.

This article is mostly written for the person who is creating the unintentional impact, how to acknowledge the impact and move towards repair. Both parties in any pair however can benefit from holding this framework.

Filters, Subjectivity and Past Hurts.

Everyone has their own unique way they filter information. The past shapes how we process our current reality. Particularly in relationships, an objective perspective is hard to come by. For example, if in our past a family member tends to get quiet when they are mad, we come to assume this is true for others. Later, we may date a person who gets quiet when they are preoccupied or deep in thought. Although this new experience is different we are likely to process and filter the silence with concern or alarm.

Intent versus impact—Can you get your brain around this?

Because of this subjectivity, we can say something to another with a positive intent and find that the way they ‘heard it’ is far from what we felt in ourselves. Or we can find that we are upset about something and the person who upset us wasn’t intending what they said in the ways we heard. Either way, confusion and hurt often follow.

This is where the brain gymnastics come in. In conflicts with others, I invite you to consider that there is a difference between our intentions and how our words/actions impact others. Others can hear/interpret our actions and words through their filters and subjectivity. How we impact others is beyond what we meant to say. Yes, that’s right. It’s a little more complicated than what is in our hearts or minds.

 In a conflict with a loved one, if we can pause and accept that we don’t know how we are impacting the other, we can move towards repairing the hurt, understanding and connection.  This kind of pause and brain gymnastics requires that we be grounded in ourselves to some degree. Developing the ability to do this is a skill, requiring presence of mind, practice and effort.  If this kind of pause feels like too big a jump from where you are, try some of the tools below to balance yourself. 

What if I can’t get my brain around this?

Being able to hold intention and impact requires our nervous systems to be regulated. Nervous system regulation is a state of mind and body where certain physiologic markers of stress and trauma are NOT present. For more on the nervous system and regulation click here.

When we feel attacked, unsafe or afraid, our system will go into a fight, flight or freeze response. In addition to physical responses like an increased heart rate, our ‘thinking’ mind goes off line in preparation to survive an attack. Without our full cognitive capacity our ability to engage socially is compromised. Some people affectionately refer to this a lizard brain. Mostly because it is oldest and most primitive part of our brain’s hardware.

In a fight with a loved one, our bodies will respond in this way, even if intellectually we know we are not in physical danger. And from this place it is very hard to see intent versus impact.  

If you notice you are feeling out of balance and ungrounded, wanting to defend, fight or run away, you are likely in your lizard brain. In order to engage productively with others you have to get all of your brain back online.

What to do? Regulate, Regulate, Regulate.

Learning to notice when you need to regulate your nervous systems is a muscle that gets stronger with exercise and time. If you feel like you want to run way, fight, disappear or you can just tell that you don’t feel quite right or ‘all there’ try some of these tools to bring yourself back into balance, connecting the mind and body. For more tips and tricks to support click here.

Breathe in and out slowly. This tells your body that you are not under attack. Do it until you notice a shift. Making the exhale longer than the inhale can be particularly effective because we don’t breathe this way when we are feeling endangered. This kind of slow breathing slows the heart rate and the body’s other stress responses.

Put the conversation on hold and take a break. It’s okay to pause a contentious interaction. Taking a break, can give both parties a chance to regain their faculties and get out of their lizard brain.

Notice the here and now. Can you name 5 things red you see, name 4 things you hear, what do you smell or taste? Can you feel your legs?

Affirm to yourself that you didn’t do anything wrong and don’t need to defend yourself. If the other person is attacking you, wait until it doesn’t feel like you have to defend yourself.  (Or the other person is out of their lizard brain.)

Be prepared to say in your own words “I’m sorry I hurt you. It wasn’t my intention.”The main thing about being able to see impact versus intent is we can apologize for our impact without someone needing to be right or wrong. We can be sorry for our impact without feeling we need to change ourselves or fix the other.  

You might need to do this a few times or in stages when you are engaged with others trying to resolve the conflict. These are just things to try. Some people have emotional barriers that prevent these kinds of tactics from being effective for them, especially when practiced alone. Seek the support of a therapist or group to dig in more and learn how to work with your inner experience and emotions

NOW listen, ask questions and respond 

Once you are feeling more balanced and regulated, it’s time to engage. Learn how to ask open-ended questions, use language that is not blaming or accusatory and most of all listen.  We are not taught how to listen to others. Learning to listen can be a wonderful support to any and all relationships.  Try to empathize with how you impacted the other. If you are the one being impacted, try to get your mind around how perhaps the other wasn’t trying to hurt you.

In conflicts with couples, things can get very heated, quick. History and past hurts often fuel the flames. Couples often know how to push each other’s buttons and say the one thing that really hurts. This article is meant to provide a framework to support healthier connecting and communication in present time. It likely won’t resolve all conflicts or the long-standing challenges or unhealthy dynamics couples face. It is for those moments of sheer misunderstanding, not those the mean, hurtful, nasty fights. My intention is to provide a little help and hopefully this little bit of help can make a difference towards rebuilding trust .